Beginning

I'm moving.

It wouldn't be the first time. The first time I was too young, naive, and frankly ignorant to comprehend that moving from the sunny California to the even sunnier Philippines would mean my life would do a complete 180. Then it was just a matter of constantly moving to different cities, schools, or back home.

I should be happy- for years all I've done was whine and look forward to the day I'd be back in California or at least be able to move to Guam to be with my sister. Now with graduation approaching, I should be excitedly packing my bags and worrying which clothes and books would be practical to bring home.

But, excited and frivolous is not how I feel at all. I feel stuck, floating in a timeless void, unwanting to move forward. It's not that I like it here. It's just, I've spent most of my life inside the paradise I've made out of my room. I spent months- literally months locked up in this room without any outside communication and have found complete serenity in being able to waste my time away drowning in endless books and focusing on my sketches.

I know that all that will be taken away from me come graduation. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to work and make my own money. Then I'll be able to help out my parents, cook and buy my own food (which can finally consist of a meat-free diet). But I'll never have this time, this time in which I get to be young and worry-free. I don't want to go back to not having time for books. I don't want to leave my sketchpads untouched, unused, talent wasted. It's not that I'm being boastful- I'm not good at much, I can't sing, can't dance, can't even form coherent conversations without stumbling all over my words. But there's one thing I am good at, and that's drawing.

*sigh* but even that, something my hands long so much to do, I can't accomplish. I just feel.. so lost. I desire to do so much and yet I feel as if I'm floating in absolutely nothing and any attempt at moving in any direction wouldn't help at all.

Anyways, this post is getting way too long. Hopefully my next one will be more cheery and I'll have read amazing books by then.