Reminscing

I waited all day for the results to be posted. At the end of every semester, our adviser, or rather, the adviser's pet student posts a list of identification numbers on the bulletin board. The unlucky souls who see their numbers up on the board have to stress over how to tell their parents that they failed the semester and have to repeat the year, or worse, transfer to a different university.

To save me from the stress of waiting, my sister's best friend called to facetime. She's actually more of a sister than a friend, as she and one other have been best friends with Jen since I was in diapers. We used to spend our days in lounging in this very room, watching scary movies and braiding each other's hair. Now all four of us are scattered all over the planet. 

I'm not the type- or, at least I'm no longer the type to text, or message, or even skype someone. I don't even call my sister, and she's my favorite person in the world. I can't pinpoint the exact time or date when I decided to retreat into myself and become a social hermit, but, that's my lot in life right now. 

In consequence, I found out just how much Rebecca has changed. Sure, she's still the funny, vibrant sister I've always known her to be. But, and I say this knowing how naive it is to think that when time slows down for you it slows down for everyone around you as well, I'm shocked. So much has happened, she's hit social milestones in her life I never even though could happen to her, well, ever. But I'm so glad she can live life with twice the excitement to substitute for my anhedonia.

While she goes on detailing the wonders of her life I realize that, it's absolutely ridiculous for me to be nervous about whether I pass or not, in fact, it's ridiculous for me to feel strongly about them at all. If I pass, I'll have a chance at a fresh start, at introducing at least some form of excitement to my life. If I fail, I'll get to spend at least a couple more months living in the quiet comfort of my room, surrounding my books and pencils. The thought should have sparked at least a little joy or even ease, but as usual, I felt nothing. Not even depression.

I just want to feel something. I want to feel anything. I feel like I'm floating in some form of purgatory that is in between the present and the future. 

Beginning

I'm moving.

It wouldn't be the first time. The first time I was too young, naive, and frankly ignorant to comprehend that moving from the sunny California to the even sunnier Philippines would mean my life would do a complete 180. Then it was just a matter of constantly moving to different cities, schools, or back home.

I should be happy- for years all I've done was whine and look forward to the day I'd be back in California or at least be able to move to Guam to be with my sister. Now with graduation approaching, I should be excitedly packing my bags and worrying which clothes and books would be practical to bring home.

But, excited and frivolous is not how I feel at all. I feel stuck, floating in a timeless void, unwanting to move forward. It's not that I like it here. It's just, I've spent most of my life inside the paradise I've made out of my room. I spent months- literally months locked up in this room without any outside communication and have found complete serenity in being able to waste my time away drowning in endless books and focusing on my sketches.

I know that all that will be taken away from me come graduation. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to work and make my own money. Then I'll be able to help out my parents, cook and buy my own food (which can finally consist of a meat-free diet). But I'll never have this time, this time in which I get to be young and worry-free. I don't want to go back to not having time for books. I don't want to leave my sketchpads untouched, unused, talent wasted. It's not that I'm being boastful- I'm not good at much, I can't sing, can't dance, can't even form coherent conversations without stumbling all over my words. But there's one thing I am good at, and that's drawing.

*sigh* but even that, something my hands long so much to do, I can't accomplish. I just feel.. so lost. I desire to do so much and yet I feel as if I'm floating in absolutely nothing and any attempt at moving in any direction wouldn't help at all.

Anyways, this post is getting way too long. Hopefully my next one will be more cheery and I'll have read amazing books by then.